so its been awhile since i posted last...

anyway this post is for my need to vent many thoughts at a pace faster than if i were to physically write it down.

where to begin...

well, i had a really fucked up dream last night. it was very vivid...scarry vivid. in my dream i was scarred shitless for my future because already at 19 i was going to have a baby. the child was conceived the last day i saw this guy i used to date. we used a condom but it broke or fell off because it was to big for his thing. in reality, outside my dream im still a virgin just to remind anyone who may have misread something and be freaking out. anyway, he was the father and i had no interest in speaking to him nor have an abortion cuz by the time i found out it was too late. all these thoughts about how to raise the child and continue classes, the confusion, a frightened 19 year old not ready to bare a child yet still secretly wanted a child of her own to love. just me and the child, no interest in a man to help me raise the baby, just me allowing myself to struggle like and idiot but wanting no one to love but my baby. no desire for a man to love...it would just be my child. at the end i was in the doctors office to get one of the sonogrammy things and then i was told by the secretary that i wasnt pregnant...meanwhile i had my period in my dream but somehow that didnt stop me from firmly believing that i was pregnant and needed to prepare for the child psychologically... but i wasnt pregnant and then i woke up extremely scarred just as i had been in my dream as if i was still fearful concerning how i was to handle taking care of myself and a newborn...but im awake and its just me. no baby and no significant other.

im not saying boyfriend because lately ive been questioning a lot lately. not just my major and what i want to do with my art which is a bigger deal than it may sound: what direction to take my art in...im going to stop myself now before i go into detail but in addition, to that has been my orientation.

at the end of august i started looking at girls differently...part of it was triggered by one girl specifically who i had thought was suggesting to be more by body language, tone of voice, and so on...when i tried to speak to her about it i didn't express myself clearly and she was confused, as was i...and i didnt persue it because i dont want to follow along with something i may not be: bi or lesbian...ive also been around some hardcore lesbians lately so that could have just easily influenced me too...when in reality i just started considering the opposite because i have not been successful in the guy dept. i have been with them to a certain extent...not many at all yet those who i have been with, i never enjoyed one of the most basic components to a relationship in the physical dept.: kissing. looking back i have not enjoyed one kiss i have ever had, i just went along with it because it seemed like the thing to do at the time... then, i either stopped and it ended or i just moved on to something else because spending time on something i didnt enjoy didnt seem right so i just closed my eyes only to open them, look him in the eyes for that split second only to close my eyes again because somewhere deep inside it didnt feel right...

and ive never sincerely loved any guy ive been with, nor tell him i did just because he said it to me. ive heard "i love you" from a guy other than family and such, twice- each from two different guys. i couldnt exchange the three words because i couldnt lie...both guys immature, not great at all when it came to expressing feelings yet somehow unexpectedly and extremely prematurely considering the short amount of time i had known them up until that point they told me that they loved me. ...why me? and why can't i find someone who i like and likes me. its always been one or the other...or the same for a short amount of time and thats it...never to be heard from again. communication lost and no want or need to innitiate it on either side. connections lost.

now any guys i admire, i admire from afar or i befriended, maybe i liked for a short amound of time but that ceased once i learned something that killed those extra feelings. now its a friendship and i dont have any wish to change that status. now, i dont have my eye on anyone specifically. no jim or whatever to swoon over when our paths may cross...no one to flirt with and if any feelings do creep up i keep my cool and try not to show anything more than interest in the conversation...

i can share more about other frustrations in the art dept...such as my current extreme dislike for the way ive been treated by the theater dept for being a sculpture major, after ive done nothing but shown interest and determination in their field. anyway, im thinking differently attempting to view my work from a dif perspective and organize my priorities. discover whats right in front of me vs. looking too far ahead. create outside goals and stick to it...organize myself and stay motivated....absorb what im learning...and just allow myself to be happy...

im ending this entry here

i have defined my dreams and am extremely excited. looking forward to school where i can share these thoughts, bring my ideas to life, and finally perform again. this time no auditions, no search for a stage, nor a production of a play i enjoy. this time i make the show and am determined to make this a reality. i know my dream is big. it will start small and evolve. i am doing the research, reviving my voice, learning and working with local artists and recording the images i see when i close my eyes to see my dream happen in front of me. i see the stage, the sets ive designed, actors, puppets, lighting design, the energy and the magic.

i want to be someone who is part of something big. i dont care if my name isnt well known but i want to make a difference in more ways than one. all ages. not just children but anyone willing to offer a moment to listen to what i want to share.

i cant wait for school where i will meet up with those who can see what i see when i close my eyes, once i share my thoughts.

-laurie

2 months since the last update. im home for summer. working at a day camp in a classroom environment claiming to teach art. in reality its crappy crafts. i described my job to my audiologist mom as how i feel towards my role in the class and the instructor's teaching style: picture yourself forced to witness someone throwing rocks at ears, and you have to hand the rocks to the rock-throwing-ear-hater. i love kids and they deserve a creative outlet in art, just for being alive...not to put tissue paper on a water bottle or glue pompoms to a toilet paper role. i have so many ideas for lessons and its frustrating cuz i know im capable of so much more but my role in that classroom is so limiting. i find myself teaching kids on the side new things, like origami and color mixing. im known as "Miss Color" and am one of three vice presidents of the origami club i founded...

ive also been doing artsy things that have been making me very happy about the potential some of my projects have. the excitement i feel from all the artsy things im discovering is getting me to think about whether i really want to teach...if i do straight out of school i could be stuck doing that until ...a date too far from now for me to even think about. anyway, id rather learn more about what interests me and discover new possibilities of how to do what i love through different means. i dont want to just be an art teacher. i want to be an artist, sculptor, a performer, a writer, a creater, a discover...-er, a puppeteer. all that instalation art shit with performance, collage, whatever ive found in puppetry and i love it. id rather learn about that than taking general ed classes just so i can get a certificate in teaching right away. i know for a fact its easier to fall back on teaching than be teaching and then realize its not a fulfilling career and i need to do more.


ill figure it out.


in the meatime im on the market. havent seen the other dude since may cuz of distance and his summer long internship in europe. we still keep in touch a bit...i dont think its gonna start up again at the end of the summer although its been discussed. im ready to start anew and i know this time round what i need and what i cant do. i need a guy who can be there for me and i cant do a relationship involving such distance as my past one had.

im just going with the flow and im sincerely happy with who i am, a concept thats relatively refreshing for me considering the whole 19 years of my life.

time for sleep...i really wish to be held right now. for his arms to to be around me and hold me close. problem is he is not here, nor do i know who or where he is. just that i havent met him yet and probably wont until a time im not expecting it to happen...

enough wishing. good night!

ps: its come to the point where im not even sure he is my boyfriend...blarg...saying it even feels weird.


"1478419" -love sam (who is sitting next to me...and should truly keep in mind how much DRUGS KILL!!!!!!!!)

im realizing that ive been using this as an outlet during high moments of either stress where i sound kinda bitchy and whiny or im just fucking happy where i sound like a uarts cheerleader.
anyway, im not in the uarts cheerleader mode right now but im not extremely stressed either...just a kind of a funky middle. the school year is winding down...im procrastinating slightly. the fire drill caught me off guard and now im out of the working mode in contrast to yesterday where i spent 6 hours in one room (not even a potty break) working on my 3d project. now im attempting to identify myself in a "self-identity piece." im also distracting myself with thoughts...because im confident this person doesnt read this nor know the existence of my livejournal i shall be more specific. i was told "i love you" and now due to distance and lack of seeing this boy i cant confirm my own feelings if i do in fact share his thoughts towards he. last time i saw him was great/lovely/not lovely/depressing/upsetting/confusing/scary/nerve-wrecking/suprising/educational/pretty feeling/fun/and other such stuff. anyway, very draining because all this in such a short period of time. i may have exageratted a little but what made things the most difficult was what i later learned to be called "the talk"
"the talk"-the discussion between significant others concerning the future of their relationship. i thought it was and almost hoped it would end in a breakup but it didnt. it ended with after me talking for a long time, a lack of response that would have given this talk a conclusion. no im really frustrated because i dont know when i will see him again, nor do i know when ill talk to him again...the talking part may occur within hours or days thanks to the technology of cellular devices and the seeing him in person part would involve flying transportation...plus, the time difference doesnt help in the cellular bit. the last thing i want is to be a girl who is always going on about her boyfriend this and her boyfriend that and her boyfriend said this and her boyfriend did that...so this entry is an outlet for my current thoughts, not current events. so much has happened that if i were to share it all...i would miss out on something that is happening within an hour...which i need to be present for in "professional attire" im nominated for a leadership award thing...its connected with student services but not that many people are aware of its existence so its kinda annoying that i have to get dressed up.

anyway, thats not important. what is important is that i vent about this and clear my head so i can focus about the things i do have control over.



in the meantime i shall work on my 2d final

i could drag out this entry with current mopeyness and emo-such, but i dont have time to get into everything. i kinda did that last night and...so on.

lately ive really been feeling happy, but a different kind- the kind where i dont need anything to trigger it, just me. i dont need a holiday, or a broadway show, a material item, a significant other (although i have found that...) to just be purely happy. all i need is me whether im walking down the street or being silly with friends, ive just been happy to the point where i dont even need something to start me on a giggling fit. i love that, but lately things have taken the complete opposite turn. partly because i now have to deal with the unfamiliar and im allowing myself to get nervous, and im being thrown new things to think about when i dont have time. i have schoolwork- the one thing that keeps me sane and now i may be getting behind, a slightly overwhelming social life- there are so many people and i keep saying we should get together and then i realize ive created conflicting plans without thinking and then invites from others creating additional conflicting plans, parents reminding me every moment possible of summer plans which i am yet to take care of, unfortunate events in livingstein which i have no control over and simply depress me especially when it comes to death and im expected to respond to that news with an automatic answer tailored to just what the news giver wants to hear...and when i dont offer that response= fight...and now a boy who knows no more than i do and its fucking pissing me off. im allowing myself to regret my choices this weekend and thats the worst thing i can do. i dont even know if the feeling is regret specifically because ive never felt it like now...if thats what it is. i just which so many things went differently...i wish i got my school work done, i wish i made different decisions, i wish i didnt allow what i did to happen...and now im creating an even deeper whole for me to get stuck in with the goal of creating a place for me to hide but in reality its not a place to hide but a place to trap and depress myself.

i dont care right now if ive shared too much because of those who read this anyway...i dont know who actually cares. im sorry, but those who ive found who do care are not home....then i create guilt for causing friends to worry about me, friends here at MY home away from livingstein. never have i caused people to worry about me like now mostly because they mainly see me happy excited and energetic and now its the opposite...and i have found that my number of close caring friends have increased, especially this semester...and overhear them caring behind my back and to my face. is everything alright? no one fucking asked me that in high school if i was to myself, no one fucking cared like here and when i say that shit some people think that im not caring about home anymore because they believe that i think there is nothing there for me. fucking nothing. im believing that too right now to no end and so my whole grows deeper.

so long!

hello all,
spring break is reaching its end. classes start up tomorrow and im happy. i need to be working and feel productive because right now...my mind has been wandering to current events in the world of laurie. at first i wasnt enjoying spring break very much. i was uarts-sick while being home so i spent a nice amount of time on the phone with friends from school and catching up a bit with some lhs-ers. i stopped by the high school for my little shop portfolio from stern so i have something to show the dude in charge of theater tech and design so i can take some scenic design shtuff, but stern seemed to have lost it...eh. i ended up sorting through some old photos of the set and other pieces in my portfolio and getting that together.

before that, sunday to be precise i went into the city :). covered the MOMA, central park, the village, chinatown...and yeah...came back to the dorms thursday night....and my mind continues to wander. in conclusion i am off the market. its unfamiliar and i feel that ive been opened to a new world of womenly conversations and experiences and feelings...and its nice, really nice. i can ramble for a while about that but im stopping myself now because i need to stay FOCUSE. time to read some plays and rest because i think im coming down with a cold. i need to take it easy so it doesnt get worse so im gonna rest now in hope that if i do so it wont get worse...or just continue.

HOORAY FOR 8:30 classes :0l bum bum

i need to get out for a while...but i dont know where to go and it fucking sucks. one phone call of such short length usually isnt capable of destroying such a great mood. sigh. i was thinking earlier of how lucky i am to have so many friends here who i can count on but my mind wanders and all of a sudden it doesnt matter anymore and i just need to get away but i dont know where. i need a place to myself. i thought i had that place but i lost it. hence the phonecall upsets me more and i feel my friends have disappeared from existence. i dont know who to call now. who to speak to. who to visit. i need to get my mind off of things but i cant run away from this...phonecall. the conversation must be continued in person in a place i wasnt planning on being for another 8 hours. it just pisses ME off so much because this conversation involves something..not even involve but exists due to something i wanted to avoid from the beginning cuz i went through it before and i thought i made it clear to this person that i dont want this repeated, therefore communicate with me now rather than 5 weeks later after it has built up and there is an explosion. but its too late...way too late.

ive been very social lately, having one less class than last semester and no homework in 3d because the assignment cant be done outside of class due to the materials. there is so much to do here. ive seen musicals, plays, dance concerts and music conerts all for free at UArts. and im never alone. im always doing something with someone or i go off doing something, run into people and end up hanging out with them doing exactly what i had planned on doing before. constantly trying new things and meeting new people...i love it.
during break from drawing class i ran into helen and we chatted about our need to hang out soon. i talked aloud of things i had planned and when im available...she commented on how im "so popular." not in the click-ey sense because this is art school. in the sense that im always doing something. being interepted in the hallway when people pass by waving, or speaking to get my attention before they head off to their next class, while i may be talking to someone else. this was never the case in high school. in between classes id smile or acknoledge friends in the hallway but never really a sincere conversation about whats important to both of us. i love my friends here. and i love that there are so many people who i care about and who care about me here. there are a few people i keep in contact with from high school and unfortunetly my efferts to contact them, in certain situations are unsuccessful. its come to the point where i have tried and im not going to force someone to contact me if they have no interest in doing so unless something bad has happened and only then is it important. what bullshit. just because something is wrong doesnt mean there should be an acception for making time to speak to me. whether things are going wonderful or shitty, staying in contact is part of what friends do. why people assume something is wrong when i want to speak to them is unfortunate. maybe thats how i used to be if one gives into old reputations but im not that person anymore. in fact, im doing fucking fabulous, other than my need to find more quarters for my laundry and personal frustration in the dude department im alright. dude department update: i like someone and i have a good feeling he feels similarly. last weekend was amazing. being with friends, being with him, but now he is gone, off to school in nyc. i seriously never felt a connection like i had with him than with other single, straight guys. its just so fucking frustrating. after that weekend, monday, i was in such a good mood about it all and now that the week is going on and im not seeing him and im not given the chance to know him better...sigh, its so frustrating...i dont think i can handle a long distance thing, especially when things are starting and i need to confirm these feelings.

HAPPY SINGLE APPRECIATION DAY!

HOORAY FOR SECOND SEMESTER!!!

new classes, familiar friends, new friends, philly!, a new dorm which i can now call home, and honey bunches of oats with almonds for breakfast at a quarter after 7 as i approach a soon to be laurie that is 100% awake. right now im about 52% or so but im getting there. 8:30 i have two dimensional design. we are studying color theory and stuff and something that i was looking forward to during the whole first semester i now find myself not even looking forward to and its an hour away. well, i love the class. its just that im out of the artsy mode. drawing wise it took me a 3 hour class of frustration until i felt it coming back again. in 3d i didnt struggle as much as i could have. in the class im sculpting a human skull from observation and i have to admit that im pretty proud of myself for how it is coming so far. classes that ive had sculpting portraits have helped :) but in 2d i pay attention, participate and class conversations but i cant mix a good purple! partly due to the lack of intensity in the pigments when it gets to that kind of a hue, ...but still.

alright, enough artsy-fartsy bitching. i should be happy..because i just added Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein to my personal library...

HUG O' WAR
I will not play at tug o' war.
I'd rather play at hug o' war.
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses,
And everyone grins,
And everyone cuddles,
And everyone wins.

-Shel Silverstein- best creater of children's poems and drawings EVER!

im at UARTS!!! im at UARTS!!!

im so fucking happy!. new dorm, new people, new semester...i have a lot more to say but its too early to think.

ill write more later when i have energy...

ive had really weird dreams lately, last night especially. It consisted of a horrific set for little shop built for pre-schoolers consisting of a rotating stage, random and excessive patches of foam, a very small plant, and lack of a flower shop followed by a very confused and clueless cast without costumes from ages 3-5...i saw the set when walking through a door on the floor of the building where i have my foundation classes at uarts. i missed a class and came late to the following one because i got lost in the building which looked totally different and overslept. instead of waking up in my dorm room i woke up in my bed in this house of livingstein...my mom had a wrong copy of my scheduele so she wasnt aware of how many classes i missed...ridiculous nervous breakdown consisting of yelling and screaming from yours truly. i was freaking out and scared and hated that i had missed my first classes of the semester. it was horrible...when i woke up it felt that i was recovering from a nightmare. no ghosts or monsters or life threatening situations in my dream, just missing class, unrealisticly horrific nervous breakdown that felt so real, a familiar building that ive grown to love turned into a crazy maze including additional rooms with hidden revolving stages and children, angry and disapointed teachers who in reality i have worked so hard to please... it was 9ish when i woke up...i fell back asleep to a dream where i was missing more classes and returns of short-lived crushes from over months ago that hadnt even crept into my mind until now. they ended due to my discovery of a girlfriend they had and for others i just didnt see them...a crush needs to be seen on a regular basis in order for it to continue. without the returing visual of that kind face and the caring and sincere personality i imagine is held behind it, the crush fades...without seeing him and without knowing him there is no chance of a relationship and my crushes hold at least a microscopic potential for that in my own fantasies of happiness brought by and given to that significant someone...

i was reading through old journals when cleaning my room...all of them were never finished. 3 books all starting with my hope to continue writing in them on a regular basis and in all of them that was never achieved...one was part of a summer followed by freshman year where i obsessed over crushes that lead no where, another sophmore year when i moped a lot, another was the end of senior year...i whined a lot in it about how much i want uarts and to get away...oh yeah, and another one that happened towards the end of junior year with prom and all...none of them were uplifting unless i thought about all the progress i had made since then. otherwise it was kinda weird reading...looking back at how unhappy, insecure, and frustrated i was. at uarts i didnt feel like that at such a large degree...being home is bringing back those feelings but at least i can say that it wasnt as bad as high school...i have evidence. i have another book with only sketches of the human figure in a different position on each page...they were all nude but i didnt go into detail that much. i just focused on grasping the basic shape of the figure. they were quickly done, gesture drawings really, none from observation. i rediscovered my laramie script. those gesture drawings were more realistic, clothed and done from observation thanks to the lack of movement during the actors' monolouges...it was nice going through drawings that didnt involve instruction. it was nice and loose, expressive and stylized. the stuff im doing now isnt as much so because the assignments are specific and i havent had any formal figure drawing lessons yet.


im gonna pack some more and shower...and such.

I LEAVE TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!! thank god. i cant take the arguments over miscomunication and am getting fed up with the yelling and rude behavior which i dont see as justified considering my efforts to be kind and considerate...


good bye.

i woke up at 7 this morning. once i overheard "where's pricilla?" from outside my bedroom i couldnt fall back asleep. now im in a sleeping bag on the floor next to my bed so i can be closer to her since she cant jump up to my bed for now. i picked her up yesterday from the vet. from friday to monday the family was catless. she went through surgery on friday and from then on she has been recovering. she had cancer. there was a tumor in her left rear leg. the tumor has been removed and she has never been happier. for a cat with a cone and lack of a limb its insane how happy she is. most likely the happiest one livng in the house right now.

when i got out of bed this morning looking for pricilla i opened my door and i saw her on the other side of the hallway. she ran towards me and no matter her appearance i couldnt help but see how beautiful she is.

i cant wait to go back to uarts. i hate being home...well maybe hate is a bit extreme but im not really happy and i dont even have a cone on my head. i miss being around artsy stuff and friends and philly and school and classes and learning and i miss the freedom. no privacy, literally. i find myself going to borders for hours at a time to just get away and read books straight through to save me money from buying them. i read the new avenue q book. the furry orange cover greatly caught my attention. i read it and i couldnt help but be facinated with the whole process of how the creaters came up with it all and how the puppets were created. the dude who made all the puppets and originated some of the characters and is part of the original cast as a puppeteer for treckie monster and nicky worked with jim henson! then i find out that a friend of mine from uarts is going to get a free tour of the henson studio...i am very jealous and am going to spend a nice portion of today fishing through old tapes and find all the muppet realated ones. my dad recorded the muppet movie, muppets in manhattan, the frog prince, and a couple of muppet babies episodes. and im gonna finish crotcheting my scarf with scraps of yarn. im using a different kind for each row to make up for the fact that i dont have enough of just one kind for a whole scarf. and im gonna work on my play...im writing a play :) the idea came to me when watching blues clues (i was babysitting at the time). with a three year old happily sitting in my lap singing along with steve ideas ran through my head of what to write about. what kind of audience the play would be geared for. the characters. the setting. the plot. the premise. comedy? drama? could it be a musical and i write the lyrics and see if a friend can compose songs for me? i went to borders and got "the art of drama writing" while reading more ideas came into mind and i started narrowing down my thoughts. i actually purchased the book because i found myself writing notes in it even before i bought it. oops. well its mine now and i know my characters and premise. i can even invision the set and see the players move across the stage as the lines are being said. unfortunetly the play is kinda autobiographical but for now i think itll be easier to write what i know verses coming up with some play about stuff i dont know anything about...like accounting or the language of starbucks. plus, im only so creative...i ended up dropping a creative writing class for a weaving class once i discovered i cant write. at least now i have a book with guidance and material that i am very familiar with, myself. now that ive lived through my first college semester, ive learned more about who i am so with those experiences i think i can write something worthwhile. i just hope i finish. i have all these ideas but its not all on paper yet...ill get there.


just 9 more days!!!

monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday and possibly friday...5 days.

5 more days of stressful artsy-fartsyness...

5 more days of philly...

5 more days of the first semester of my freshman year at UArts...

5 more days of PINE 702...

5 more days of sculptureness...



damn...

finals is driving me insane. i have so much fucking work and not enough time to do it all. the main thing interfering me with getting it done is lack of energy due to lack of sleep due to all the time im spending on my work. i want 8 hours of sleep...10 would be nice too...
uch, i really gotta stop thinking about sleep. i need to be up, alert, and get this shtuff done.

2d- finish this major thingy and organize all my crap from the whole semester for my crit on tuesday.
3d- finish this animation on a program that wasnt even taught to me by the teacher. thank god i have friends who are willing to help me with this...yeah, and gather everything ive done so far for my crit on monday
drawing- 2 major heavy duty drawings that are barely on their way in comparison to the degree it needs to be completed at...and organize all my crap from the semester for my crit on wednesday
art history- study like a madwoman for my final on tuesday
writing- re-write/ "edit" this memoir thing that i dont want to cuz i like it as is, but of course the teacher doesnt, so i have to redo it to the way my teacher wants it to be for a better grade...of course the writer's opinion doesnt matter as much as the teachers, especially when this is a personal memoir that is being unreasonably criticized.-notice sarcasm from the beginning of the sentence
sculpture- finish shnozzle, the hannukah bush by tuesday...it was due yesterday but that didnt happen cuz ive been so stressed with shit and had planned to really focus on it the night before it was due...even if it meant working for 8 hours straight into the am, but of course things never turn out the way you hope them to be...without going into detail, keeping in mind my readers' best interest, the night i had saved to work on it was unfortunetly interupted while i was sculpting from an unexpected ....casualty.

i also have to clean and figure out how to speak to my room mate which hasnt happened in a long time cuz ive been leaving the dorm at 8 in the morn for class and then come back after midnight from working in the studio when everyone is asleep. she is still asleep now...because i dont see her that much, the times when we are within each others' presence mean that much more so if it doesnt go well then it hits me harder cuz there are not other good times to even it out. sigh, the feeling of my need to move out is peaking its way thru again. im not in the dorm much anyway cuz there isnt much to do here other than sleep, shower, and eat my breakfast (but of course that hasnt happened for the past couple of days because of milk issues)...and yeah, thats it. class, socializing, homework all takes place outside of the dorm. it sucks that i cant call my dorm home cuz it is anything but homey right now. UArts is my home. not the dorm. ive even avoided coming to the dorm for short naps inbetween class and homework cuz although its just a block away it feels so inconvenient to go that whole block and risk dealing with this shit. i took a nap yesterday on the couch of the 7th floor of anderson and a friend woke me up when i had asked so i would get back to my hw in time. i really appreciate that verses being woken to sign a permission slip for an overnight guest and realize that i was late for class, told "its alright, you can do it" and then learn that that after my struggle of getting up i see ...you know what? fuck it! im not living on-campus sophmore year! ive talked to other people about it and already have potential room mates. i just gotta find a place and work out those details and its gonna happen. im not gonna deal with this next year. one more semester unfortunetly which i wish wasnt the case but ...yeah

uch, art history in less than an hour...


FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULK!

hello slightly interested readers,
its been a while since i posted last...i dunno why i had such a weird urge to post this early in the morning. im up anyway cuz i have to finish this essay for an 11:30 class...

anyway, my first semester of uarts-ness is almost over. i cant believe everything went by so fast.
i went home for thanksgiving and at first it was kinda weird. i was in livingstein (at uarts among my friends im known for my jew-ness because there are so few . that would never happen in livingstein considering i havent gone to temple for a looooong time). not much had changed but in a way everything had. i met up with friends which i was really excited about. they looked the same basically, but they had all come back with new experiences that i wasnt there for, unlike last year. i wasnt prepared to hear certain things that people had done which i wouldnt have imagined to happen so fast. our future lives of adulthood are closer than ever. longterm planning for careers, finances, goals, relationships are all in the making and in one catagory especially im not at that point at all.

im so happy i got 8 hours of sleep. thats the most ive gotten in a loooooooooooooooong time here. it was nice getting sleep at home, very very very nice.


OOOOOOO! something im very excited about: FUELED BY MUSIC!!! its this group dedicated to sharing music and we are gonna be putting on concerts and creating compilation CDs to sell in order to raise money for our concerts and its pretty much awesome. a friend invited me to the fueled by music group on facebook and from just reading the description it sounded like something i really wanted to be a part of so i contacted the creater of it all and she encouraged me to come to their meetings. after sitting through one meeting, ive found myself being very active with it all. im contacting friends in bands to see if they're interested and i ran into the lead singer of a local band that i saw perform at a gallery opening. i told her about it all and she is really interested. with a bunch of phonecalls and excitement i was able to get the song, cutesaurus by naughty naughty nurses for the comp CD and become an official memeber of the comitee :)

i also got together with diana to see the experimental costume show by the craft dept. at uarts and after a very cool show, pizza at paolos, and meeting new people, i found myself sitting in on her radio show with this other dude who play ....damn, i dont really know the appropriate name of the genre but if you are very curious for whatever reason you can check out the UArts Radio and find the description of the tuesday 7-9 show. so yeah, after that and discovering even more people with their own show i was able to contact the dude who is in charge of it all about having my own show next semester!!!!!!... my mom was a dj. she said she still had some of her notes from her dj-ness which im pretty impressed considering it was 30 years ago. anyway, it was really cool hearing her talk about it and the music she played. so yeah, now im hoping to follow in my mom's footsteps. wow, i dont think ive ever said that before. i commented on something molly was wearing at when i went home for thanksgiving and i sounded just like my mom doing one of the things i hate the most. i apologized immediatly after i realized that.


blargness!!! its late. i need to shower. i need to get dressed. i need to go the computer lab to finish my essay. i need to fit in another sketch for drawing class and i only have like...okay im not doing math now

have a fabulous day!

uncertain of what i wanted to write in my first note on facebook, i just started typing and this was the result:

hello all,
less than a week before thanksgiving break. i dunno if im going home or just back to livingston, nj. lately when going back to the dorm i say im going back home. my bed is there. my stuff is there. everything i currently need, other than my art supplies stuffed in my locker on the third floor of anderson, is there. i guess im just starting to question where my home really is...ive always felt comfortable in livingston, when drama wasnt too high, because thats what ive grown to know. since i was one or twoish years old ive lived on the same street and am very familiar with that suburban environment.

now im in philly. at first i questioned if id be able to handle a city cuz when it comes to nyc i feel overwhelmed in terms of how i could live there. there is always so much going on and i dont always feel safe there unless im with people who i know and trust. in philly im not afraid to do be alone. getting stuff done on my own. i dont mind. i mean, its not like im wandering the city by myself cuz that isnt safe. im with people, real people who i can relate to because we are all here for the same reason: we all share a passion for art, whether its performing or visual we are all here. i have true friends here who i trust and feel comfortable around. im not afraid to be myself. i dont hold back what i have to say or not even have to, what i want to say. in high school i held back, afraid of opening up- revealing a me not everyone has seen. in high school when i wasnt doing my best i stayed to myself. behaving like that and being around people who have seen me that way for so long- its so hard to just come out and reveal me, who i am. i gave into what people knew me to be. not who i am.

once i got into art further and just expressed what i could through that, in my own way i got attention and was recognized. it felt good. it helped me open up, but still never to the fullest.

now im here and im doing what i love. im with people who ive grown to love. pine 702 may not be my home cuz lately i havent been in my dorm that much. i dont do my homewor here cuz i get distracted so i go to the studio. i dont hang out with friends in my dorm that much cuz i usually have the invite to hang in theirs or im out doing stuff with them, whatching a show, going to a museum, just walking around the city and having fun. ive basically come back here to get things i need, to sleep and relax, have time to myself if no one else is in the dorm. anyway, even if im not in pine 702 all the time, now that i think about it, its a part of my home. my friends' dorms are a part of my home, my classrooms are a part of home, the sculpture studio, the theaters, philly, everything. combine it all and UArts is my home. my friends, my teachers who inspire me, they are my family. its all so new and exciting, and i love it. i feel after freshman year im either gonna room in the upperclassmen dorm or maybe get an apartment with some friends. im gonna live in philly. im gonna learn here and work here.

im going back to livingston on either tuesday or wednesday depending on how much work i get done. my wednesday class was canceled so i can go back earlier which is nice but i think it all depends on how much work i get done this weekend. id rather relax over break than think about all the stuff i have to do sunday when i get back here. so i guess now that i think about it, im not limited to one home. if i make it happen, i can be home anywhere. i made it happen with uarts.

next week im going back to my first home...

so....fudgin...tired. i got seven hours of sleep last night. the longest amount of sleep ive had since...i guess over a week ago? i dunno. too long. i had hoped to get some english done here in the comp lab but i feel so drained from everything that i just cant focus.

friday: gallery opening and twas awesome. naughty naughty nurses and all
watched the dress rehersal for a party celebrating the 130th birhtday of UArts. ive never had so much pride for my school. the performance was amazing. i really wish id be able to go and see it tomorrow but tickets are 250 buckeroos and its for the patrony people who give money to the school. after that i went to the arts bank to check out the ticket situation for urinetown. then i sat on the hamilton steps and watched a slide show thing of art by students and faculty displayed on the Anderson school of art and design building across the street. twas undescribable. hung with genelle and rachel. good times

saturday: tutor fun
saw urinetown with genelle and rachel AND IT WAS AMAZING. i loved it. the performance was incredible. the play itself, the music, choreography, costume, sets, lighting, amazing. in the playbill it had mentioned how the school spoofs other musicals so i kept paying attention for which ones they were. i spotted west side story, les miz, guys and dolls, fiddler on the roof, caberet, hello dolly. yeah, im a special theasbian sculptor.

sunday: i think i just did work...most likely, yeah

monday: handed in my collage which i am very very proud of. stayed in the library till 6 after classes from 8:30- 4...then i met up with jess and i got milk from the brand new spanking cvs. watched friends, enjoyed my grilled cheese. met andre, pretty cool dude. got back in my drom at 11:30ish. hadnt been there all day since 8 in the am. didnt get as much work done as i had hoped but i didnt care cuz my weekend was work galore and i needed the break and social fun.

tuesday: pretty awesome. classes went well. gallery one meeting. watched Dogma with buddy christ. crazy funny movie. and my sculpture teacher created buddy christ. long live laura frazure! hung out with sophia and her roomies and met other furnessites. got back in the dorm at 1:30. so that means i had been out of the dorm for 13 hours? something like that. i liked being outside my dorm. it gets boring cuz not much happens in there.

this morning i learned more about study abroad during this fair thing. i really wanna go to italy. spent time researching the stuff from the pamphlets i got instead of doing my english which i had planned on...oh well.

i have a thingy from 2-3
ill stop at my dorm to pick up papers so i can sign up for my classes next semester at seven which is when my sculpture class ends. i pray my elective isnt filled already. then tutor till 8:30ish to work on english...probably stay in anderson and continue english until 9-10ish then work on drawing until 2. get up earlyish tomorrow to continue what i didnt finish and then calss at 11:30. what joy!!!

adios...i gotta go.

CEEEEEELEBRATE GOOD TIME C'MON!!!!

english was canceled :)

i have been so unproductive today. the most i did was form lists of things that i should be doing and discover that there is a wrong way to eat a hot pocket. (if you take a bite out of it at the wrong side after it just came out then the thing can open a bit more than you thought it would and the hot insides fall on your cheek and it hurts....) i take a bath accepting that i did nothing today and enjoyed my nothingness and relax knowing id hopefully get some stuff done before i go to bed and get up early in the morning for more fun artsy homework. WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN i hear a banging on my bathroom door. i rush out of the tub and throw a towel and see a maintance dood. there is a leak coming from the ceiling one floor below so for maintance people that means you interupt peoples baths and all is well for those living in 602. meanwhile in 702, the shower doesnt work. just the bath. i have not had a shower in over a week. just baths...i hate taking baths. im sitting in my own filth and i dont get clean...i just get wet and cranky knowing that im not taking a bath because i want to but because the shower isnt working! anyway that was lovely.

THEN wearing a robe, pj pants that keep falling off because the drawstring thing doesnt like me, and scary sandelly things because i cant go out barefoot, i go down to the basement where the washing machines and the rest of my clothes are. my plan was to move my clothes from the washing machine to the dryer right after my bath. instead my clothes had been sitting in the machiney thing for almost 40 minutes longer than i would have liked....thank you maintance man! i look like shit and fear sharing the elevator trip to the basement with some dood seeing me in my fabulous outfit and makeup and hairdo, become overwhelmed with my beauty, fall to the floor and ask for my hand in marriage (odd sarcasm that doesnt need to make sense) anyway i look like shit and dont feel like anyone seeing me. im lucky the first time around. take care of the laundry. get to the elevator and inside on my way to the seventh floor there are two guys...who i both know. i share my abbreviated tale of the maintance man to explain my appearance and spark an elevator conversation. i get to my dorm. the door is locked. i forgot my key. the ra isnt there. i go down seven flights of stairs not wanting to risk that again. i go the security dude he plays with his walkytalky. i wait for 5 minutes with lovely passerbyers in my lovely attire while waiting for the RA to let me in. i get in. i have an odd craving for mac and cheese and wanting to call home. staying in the dorm was not good for me.

waiting for my clothes to dry, i visit the friendly 505ers, meet pee wee (who has to be the cutest mouse of all pine) and watch friends. a nice amount of episodes later i check up on my clothes. still....not....dry....3 quarters later and an answer to my mac and cheese craving, i sit in front of my laptop sharing my wonderful and productive day with the world. (althogh a handful of people in the world actually take advantage of the opportunity of reading this)

im thinking ill have about 4-5 hours of actual sleep and then wake up early to do all the shit that i have planned plus the shit that should have been done today.


have a great weekend everybody!